


From Under the Stars

by amberesinite



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Platonic Claude/Hilda, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-24 19:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberesinite/pseuds/amberesinite
Summary: His heart hurt with a crushing force that threatened to collapse his entire chest. He looked into her eyes again. They seemed frantic, searching for answers. Or was that the reflection of his own?“I need to go to Garreg Mach. I need to… I need to find her.”It's been five years since Byleth disappeared, and Claude is struggling to cope.
Relationships: My Unit | Byleth & Claude von Riegan, My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 97





	1. From Under the Stars

The room erupts into raucous cheers as Raphael puts down another mead. It’s been five years since Edelgard declared war on the Church of Seiros, but the atmosphere in the small town tavern following their latest victory is suggestive of cheerier times.

_Five years…_

Hilda scans the room and sees Claude making conversation with some of the villagers. He’s wearing a forced smile that almost resembles a grimace. They don’t notice. Nobody notices but Hilda. It’s been like this ever since they lost the professor five years ago – an endless cycle of false happiness and hidden sorrow.

She watches as he politely excuses himself and makes his way through the crowd to sit outside of its boisterous center. He’s looking solemnly out the window when two girls approach him. He attempts to wave them away, but they’re persistent – the blonde one especially. She strokes his hair and leans in close to whisper something in his ear. Her other hand slides down his chest, fingers lingering on the buttons of his loose shirt.

His expression seems a mixture of annoyance and disdain, but he offers a half smile and nods his head. The girl walks out first, looking back at him briefly as she runs her hands over her body. Claude takes a step before pausing to dig around in his pockets. He pulls out a handful of little pills that he quickly pops into his mouth and chases with his drink.

***

Claude followed the girl out of the tavern, where the cool night air caressed his face. He looked at the woman in front of him, watched the way her hips swayed and her skirt shifted while she walked. He couldn’t help but imagine those legs being clad in shorts and black lace. He thought about the curve of her hips and her lean muscular arms. He thought about the precision and grace with which she handled the Sword of the Creator, and of the way she would smile and roll her eyes when he told an uncouth joke. Gods, her smile…

“Hey, are you even listening?”

A voice snapped him back into reality. A reality where the woman in front of him was not Byleth.

“Sorry, I’m not feeling very well,” he offered.

_No, that’s not right._

“Actually… I’m not interested. In fact, I don’t think I could even if I wanted to,” he chuckled bitterly. “I haven’t been able to in a long time.”

If the girl cared at all, she didn’t show it. She scoffed and walked away without bothering to reply.

_Are you surprised?_ Claude thought to himself. _Who would want to sleep with a bitter disheveled man who can’t think about anything but another woman?_

From under the stars, he pulled out his dagger. A beautiful blade forged from Wootz steel and etched with intricate swirling lines that reminded him of the aquatic capital of Derdriu. He grasped its leather handle tightly as he laid the blade against his arm. His hands were shaking and his cheeks were wet and somewhere in the distance he could hear someone calling his name, but the world was spinning and his head felt foggy and he lost his grip, and the last thing he heard was the clattering of the blade on the cobblestone road as he relinquished himself to the darkness.

***

The room he awoke in was entirely too bright.

His head was spinning, throbbing, threatening to split into two as he opened his eyes. He was lying on a plush featherbed in a room filled with elegant furniture and extravagant paintings. A familiar voice called his name from aside the bed.

“I’m so glad you’re okay…” came the wavering voice.

He agonizingly turned his head to the side as two pink, swollen, and tear-stained eyes met his.

“Hilda…?”

Claude felt worse than death. His whole body was hot, and his head still felt foggy.

“…I told everybody that you had too much to drink and collapsed outside with those girls,” Hilda began, “You fell unconscious before you could do any real damage.”

Oh. Right. It took all of his strength to lift his arm. Sure enough, there was a shallow cut on the inside of his left forearm, spanning almost a palm’s width. A reminder of the demons that haunted him at night.

“I threw them out,” she continued, as if to answer his unspoken question. “I’ve never seen you like that before. It was… I thought I had lost you...”

The guilt Claude felt in his gut was almost too much to bear. The heir to House Goneril deserved a better friend than some lowlife who couldn’t keep his shit together. What would Byleth think if she saw him now? She’d be disappointed, no doubt. He didn’t deserve her either…

“Hilda… I saw her. I saw her among the stars, and I…”

His heart hurt with a crushing force that threatened to collapse his entire chest. He looked into her eyes again. They seemed frantic, searching for answers. Or was that the reflection of his own?

“I need to go to Garreg Mach. I need to… I need to find her.”

Hilda looked at him sadly, almost pityingly when she replied, “Claude… it’s been years. We’ve sent countless parties to search for her– her remains. Nothing was ever found.”

She was tiptoeing around the matter, walking on eggshells. Did she truly believe him to be so unsound? The thought alone set him aflame. He could feel the bile rising in his throat

And then she sighed. An exasperated noise, bordering on aggravation.

“But… you know I’d never let you go alone. And besides, you’ll go no matter what I say, won’t you?”


	2. Worse Than Not Knowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude sat up, drenched in a cold sweat. But this time, there was no monster to be found. He choked back a sob.
> 
> “I’m so tired… I’m so fucking tired! What did I do to deserve this!?”
> 
> The forest responded with silence. Of course nobody would answer back – there were no gods here. If there were, they wouldn’t have taken Byleth away from him, wouldn’t make him suffer every fucking night with these dreams.
> 
> He was hot.
> 
> He was going to be sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who's left comments and kudos on both this and Truly, Madly, Deeply! You guys inspire me to keep writing and improving <333

_Everything was a brilliant blue. Faint beams of light streaked down around him, rippling gently. His movements felt sluggish, and the complete absence of noise was oddly deafening. He surveyed his surroundings. There was nothing to differentiate one direction from another, so he simply picked one and walked. And walked. And walked. Until finally he came upon a distant glow. It was faint at first, so dim that he couldn’t be sure it was there. But it steadily grew brighter until the light was blinding and his legs were moving as fast as they could – feather light yet dragging as if made of lead._

_At its source, a figure came into view. It was humanoid in shape, but its features were indistinct, as if looking through frosted glass. The figure was adorned with robes that appeared to be made of the heavens themselves, its gold embellishments glimmering like celestial bodies. Green hair splayed out in all directions, encircling the figure’s head like an angelic crown._

_Green hair._

_Claude couldn’t breathe. The glow grew dim until he was surrounded by darkness. He couldn’t move. The clacking of heeled boots reverberated in all directions until another figure appeared. This one was taller, clad in striking white robes that stood out in the murky void. She, too, had green hair, but her features were clear, and her cherry red lips were twisted into a frown. As the woman moved ever closer, her appearance was altered. No more was her porcelain skin, replaced instead with shimmering scales and sharp teeth. The creature fell to its knees and unleashed a strangled cry. Claude tried to run, tried to yell for help, but he was frozen in place. The monster charged at him, jaws open wide…_

_And then nothing._

Claude sat up, drenched in a cold sweat. But this time, there was no monster to be found. He choked back a sob.

“I’m so tired… I’m so fucking tired! What did I do to deserve this!?”

The forest responded with silence. Of course nobody would answer back – there were no gods here. If there were, they wouldn’t have taken Byleth away from him, wouldn’t make him suffer every fucking night with these dreams.

He was hot.

He was going to be sick.

Claude stumbled through their makeshift camp towards the river, forest spiraling and saliva rushing into his mouth. He was too dizzy to stand. He fell to his palms, evacuating what little nourishment he had forced himself to consume. The heaving turned into sobs as he curled up on the riverbank.

_I just… want this to end. Please… I can’t take it anymore…_

His gaze settled on the river.

He could end it now if he wanted. The water would be near freezing… he might even go into shock before he suffocated.

But… then he would never see Byleth again. He released his frustration in the form of a growl and clenched his fists in the earth, uncaring of the mud gathering under his nails.

***

She saw him by the river last night – retching, screaming, sobbing. She wants to help him, to comfort him, to tell him that everything will be okay, but she knows that’s not certain. Instead, she asks him how he slept.

There are dark circles around his eyes, and he doesn’t bother to look at her when he responds.

“Honestly? Awful. I can’t sleep at night without my fucking medicine, and every time I fall asleep I see _her_. Except it’s not her, because she’s fucking gone!”

Hilda winces as he pitches his traveling bow into the campfire and it begins to crack and pop. His voice is hardly above a whisper when he continues.

“I’m scared, Hilda… I’m scared that one night I won’t be strong enough to resist the urges. I’m scared that Byleth is truly gone. But I’m also scared that she’s _not_ and she’ll be disappointed in who I’ve become…”

He buries his head in his hands, almost between his knees. She places what she hopes to be a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t think the professor could ever be disappointed in her Golden Deer… especially not their charming leader,” she offers with a smile.

“I’m not looking for approval, Hilda. I just feel like… The only thing worse than not knowing how she feels about me is knowing that I’ve become someone she could never love…”

The forest is silent, save for the whistling of the wind and the gentle rustle of leaves. Claude doesn’t speak, but neither does she. It’s an uncomfortable silence, one that Hilda wishes she could break with another platitude, but she knows that will only make him angry. Ages seem to pass in a matter of seconds before she manages to find her voice.

“I’m scared too… You scared me nearly to _death_ when I found you outside the tavern with that dagger. But… the only thing I felt was concern. You’re my friend, and I want to help you overcome whatever this is. Was I _upset_? You fucking bet I was! But it’s only because I care about you. You were the first person to try and break down the professor’s stony exterior – you’ve been with her from the beginning. I know she cares about you too… And I know she wouldn’t want to see you beat yourself up over this.”

For the first time in years, he offers her half of a smile. It still doesn’t reach his eyes, but it’s a start.


	3. So Sweetly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She pauses before crossing the bridge to the cathedral.
> 
> Maybe it’s sentiment, or maybe it’s curiosity, but Byleth’s legs take her to the Officers Academy instead, back to the classroom where she once taught. She gazes out among the desks and can see her students so clearly, exactly as she left them five years ago. Lysithea with her nose pressed nearly to the table, frantically taking notes and hanging on every word she said. Ignatz always sketching the techniques as she described them (and occasionally stealing glances at Flayn). Hilda, a million and one miles away with no desire to even pretend she was paying attention. 
> 
> And then there was Claude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Byleth finally makes an appearance!

The road to Garreg Mach is filled with bandits and traps. Had it not been for the near total destruction of her surroundings, Byleth wouldn’t have believed that it had been five years since the Empire’s attack. Even in the wake of all the destruction, she still finds it hard to believe.

Villagers and townsfolk along the way are hesitant to speak of the war, and some refuse her food and lodging. Byleth learns to stop speaking of it, her prior association with the church now a closely-guarded secret. She pretends to be a merchant instead, interested in acquiring antiques to sell at market. Under this pretense, she manages to reach her destination with little conflict.

The monastery, however, has seen better days, and walking through what remains feels like an out of body experience. She finds herself imagining the gatekeeper’s energetic quips as she walks into the entrance hall from the marketplace, its large wooden door long since broken down. Her footsteps echo through the massive hallway, bouncing off the aged stone. In the reception hall, tables are overturned in a makeshift blockade, their golden centerpieces no doubt pilfered by thieves and brigands.

She pauses before crossing the bridge to the cathedral.

Maybe it’s sentiment, or maybe it’s curiosity, but Byleth’s legs take her to the Officers Academy instead, back to the classroom where she once taught. She gazes out among the desks and can see her students so clearly, exactly as she left them five years ago. Lysithea with her nose pressed nearly to the table, frantically taking notes and hanging on every word she said. Ignatz always sketching the techniques as she described them (and occasionally stealing glances at Flayn). Hilda, a million and one miles away with no desire to even pretend she was paying attention. 

And then there was Claude. The enigmatic young leader of the Alliance always had a witty comment and a trick up his sleeve – a creative solution to every problem. Claude was one of her favorite students, and everyone knew. More than that, he was her best friend and her confidant. When her father died, he offered his shoulder for her to cry on and his room as a safe haven for her to let out the mounting anger and grief. He even chanced Rhea’s wrath to help her get the revenge she so desperately desired.

If she’s being completely honest with herself, she’s imagined him being more than a friend on several occasions... She thinks of the Goddess Tower and the promise they made. 

Her chest tightens at the thought, urging her toward the tower like a premonition from Sothis herself. But as if the universe wished to remind her of Sothis’ departure, the once beautiful fresco of the goddess that resided within the cathedral is now cracked and faded – an angel’s wing the only aide-mémoire of what once was. She traces her hand along the stone walls of the stairwell, lamenting the state of the only place she’s ever called home. As she nears its climax, she swears she can almost hear the sound of crying. The sound becomes more distinct as she rounds the final turn, and she can see the silhouette of a man leaning against the railing, eclipsed by a beautiful pink sunset.

The man turns around at the sound of her footsteps. He’s pale and wide-eyed, and a strand of his curly unkempt hair falls into his face. His eyes appear sunken, face more gaunt than she remembers, and his cheeks are streaked with the ghosts of tears.

“Teach…?” he croaks before suddenly laughing harshly, “I knew I was losing my mind, but this is just cruel…” He desperately searches his pockets. “Where— where are my pills? I just need… I just need one more.”

Byleth steps toward him and slowly brings her hands to his face. He looks at her, tired and desperate, as if he hadn’t slept a single night since the day they were separated. She strokes his cheek softly as he lifts shaky hands up to rest over hers.

“Claude… what’s happened to you?”

***

She spoke his name so sweetly that it may as well have been sung by a choir of angels, and the way she tenderly stroked his face, eyes teeming with concern, was near enough to put him in an early grave. When he placed his hands over hers and felt the warmth radiating from them, he couldn’t hold his emotions any longer. His hands found their way into her hair and around her back as his head settled in the crook of her neck. His tears broke through their dam.

Part of his mind tried to tell him that it was too good to be true – that _she_ was too good to be true – but she was warm and holding him tight and smelled of summer, exactly as he remembered. And she was beautiful. _Gods_ was she beautiful. Claude had never been a religious man, but seeing her face highlighted by the setting sun, he couldn’t help but think that she looked like a goddess.

“Sorry, Teach,” he choked into her shoulder, “I just can’t believe it’s really you.”

Claude held her as tight as he could and told himself he would never let go.

***

Hilda lurks near the staircase, close enough to see Claude and the professor but not quite close enough to hear them. They remain locked in their embrace for some time while Claude cries and the professor runs her hands through his hair, undoubtedly whispering sweet nothings into his ear. _Vom_.

She clears her throat in an attempt to break up their sickeningly sweet reunion and puts on her best ‘I-totally-care-about-what’s-going-on-right-now’ voice.

“Oh, professor! I’m so happy you’re okay! You must be exhausted from your journey… I know Claude and I are. Maybe we should all find a nice, warm inn to spend the night?”

It’s less of a question and more of a demand spoken with an upward inflection, but the professor agrees.

“Great! You have _no idea_ how long it’s been since I slept in an actual bed…” Hilda quickly turns on her heels and makes for the stairs. As they depart the monastery, she notices Claude and the professor with their fingers intertwined. _I told him so_ , she thinks, and she smiles in spite of herself.


	4. My Everything (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short and sickeningly sweet, but angst gives me anxiety and I needed to finish on a sappy note

The soft glow of a summer sunrise wakes him from his slumber. Claude sleeps well now, rarely haunted by the nightmares that used to keep him up at night. Next to him, Byleth rests peacefully. He brushes a stray hair from her face, causing her to stir.

“Mm… G’morning, Claude,” she murmurs as she curls up against his chest, ready to let sleep take over for just a moment longer.

“Good morning, my love,” he beams and presses a kiss to her nose. She wrinkles her face and giggles. It makes his heart skip a beat. “I love you, By. I don’t know what gods I pleased to deserve you, but after all these years… I truly don’t know what I would do without you,” he muses.

“I don’t know about that... Surely the ‘master tactician’ had a scheme ready to employ for any situation,” she teases.

He laughs and kisses her again. It’s been two years since they reunited in the Goddess Tower, a stroke of fate that altered the course of his future. … _And Fodlan’s_ , he reminds himself.

“I mean it though, By. You’re my everything. When you found me at Garreg Mach… I was so low. It was like I jumped into the sea and hit the bottom, but I was struggling to swim back up. I was so scared… Every day it was harder and harder to breathe, every day I wanted to end it... Returning to Garreg Mach was my final hope.”

He traces the line of her cheek with his thumb, pausing to tuck another strand of striking green hair behind her ear before cupping her face with his palm. He smiles at her again, but this time he can feel the prickling of oncoming tears.

“For the first time in years, I feel safe from the darkest parts of myself, and it’s all because of you,” he whispers. “If you hadn’t forced me out of bed every day and made sure I was fed and clean and attended to my duties… I don’t think I would have made it.”

She returns his smile, pulling their foreheads together.

“All I did was believe in you – you did all the hard work.” He opens his mouth to protest, but she seals it with her lips instead. “I love you, Claude von Riegan, and I would drag your sorry ass out of bed every day for the rest of my life if it meant I would get to see you smile.”

A chuckle escapes him and he can’t help but think that Sothis truly had answered his prayers in the Goddess Tower that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This officially marks the end of my first complete fic! Thank you to everyone who read, commented, and left kudos. I truly never believed that my writing had anything to offer the fandom, but I'm sincerely happy that this ficlet has spoken to even a handful of people <333

**Author's Note:**

> This is a deeply personal story for me, inspired by real life (and early 2000's emo/pop punk), so I hope that even though it's going to be short, it might speak to somebody else too :)


End file.
